The primary theme of Positive Psychology is that mental health is not just about fixing problems—it is also about building strengths. In this vein, I have found Co-Active coaching and Co-Active leadership training to be one of the most powerful tools for building strengths and for tackling psychological problems of the sort that almost every human being has. I believe in this approach; I have voted with my feet by becoming a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (on top of my job as an economics professor) and by participating in the Co-Active Leadership Program. As I have already begun to do (see the links at the bottom of this post), I plan to ask other Co-Active coaches I know and others I know in the Co-Active Leadership program to write guest posts about how to enhance your life by building your psychological strengths and tackling the kind of psychological issues most human beings face. (I am likely to have these appear on either a Sunday or a Tuesday.)

Vicky Pradhan has already written one guest post: “Vicky Biggs Pradhan: How Crises Make Us Rethink Our Lives.” Here is her next installment:

While attending university, I didn’t particularly like studying in the library, as I found it dark and stuffy. Instead, I would study at a bright, welcoming cafe called, “The Curious Mind,” located a couple miles off campus. A soulful Jeff Buckley song always seemed to be playing through the crackly speakers as I walked in the door.  The small cafe was well-appointed with the tables and books-for-sale arranged just right, making the space seem double its actual size. Upon settling in, I would invariably abandon my studies prematurely so I could explore the vast selection of books on display. 

While I acknowledge the power of suggestion that’s kicked off by a name like “The Curious Mind,” I recall feeling as though there was a bright light of inquisitiveness shining within as I engaged with these books. I was open and wanted to learn about new concepts, theories and topics ranging from the psychology of nostaligia to how to effectively run an air traffic control tower. I had an insatiable curiosity. I believed naively it would always persist and would differentiate me from others. However, unbeknownst to me, this belief was about to be challenged as I set off to begin my life as a new graduate.  

At some point in our life, we get a message, either direct or implied, that says we now need to have all the answers. And so, we stop being curious. Asking questions becomes a liability, as it could be misinterpreted as not knowing. Exploration for curiosity’s sake is replaced by the need to be knowledgeable and to be right. It’s as though we’re turning down the volume on our wonder and making a transition from abstract to definitive.  

In my particular case, I began to suppress my curiosity as I progressed in my career. As the professional stakes became higher, my questioning drifted further away—into the distance. This was magnified when I switched industries and I believed proving myself was paramount. I found myself in a competitive industry with people who were highly credentialed, where touting one’s intellect was ingrained in the culture. During this time, my urge to deviate from asking questions to looking impressive came from a desire to build credibility and earn respect.  

My young daughter recently asked me what it was like for us all to live without the internet when I was a little girl. “Were people less curious because they knew they couldn’t have all their questions answered?  Did you just have to shut down your curiosity because there were limited ways to get information?” As I began to explain that the lack of technology didn’t affect how much curiosity I had, I started drifting away into my own private thoughts. It was me and only me who got in the way of my own curiosity, despite having all of the access to information I ever needed. 

We spend so much time in our own heads, putting endless energy into ensuring we are heard, understood, seen and respected.  It might come in the form of needing to have the loudest voice, wanting to formulate the smartest response or being the most knowledgeable in a particular subject, or worse, on all topics. Anything to mask the fear of judgement or being exposed as not being smart enough. When we think we have all the answers, we stunt ourselves. We stop learning and harden.

Quashing our curiosity is especially damaging in relationships. Let me dig into that. What if we could set aside our own agenda and simply get curious about the person we are engaging with and their viewpoint? Imagine how the conversation would change if we took the flashlight we regularly shine on ourselves and point it in the direction of the other person? What if the beam of light shined so bright that it started to illuminate the space between you or me and the one on the other side of the conversation, enfolding that conversation in a warm ambient light?

Most of us think we have to solve, fix and direct in order to be valuable, whether we are leading a business, raising a family, or teaching and doing research. We often experience immediate gratification when we’ve solved a problem or rectified a situation. It’s hard to ignore the ego boost that comes with feedback like “you always know what to do” or “I knew you’d have the answer for me.” When we hear this it inspires us to be even more prepared with the winning solution the next time we are called upon so we can continue to feel valued.  This becomes an addiction, with the crushing of self-worth as a withdrawal symptom. (Ego isn’t always the culprit.  In some cases, we truly do have the best of intentions and we simply want to impart our wisdom to others whom we care about.) 

The next time you are inclined to come to the rescue with a solution or an answer, entertain the possibility that the person who has come to you already holds the answer. Imagine for a moment they actually know precisely what to do.  Perhaps they are in the habit of looking outward instead of inward or they may be seeking reassurance, as they aren’t prepared to own their power quite yet. If you resist the urge to be the hero that solves the problem and instead energize your curiosity to ask questions that help the person gain clarity around their own perspective they can take steps to arrive at their own answers. I propose we make a choice to view those around us as competent and capable.  Consider this seriously for a moment and call to mind a particular person you interact with regularly with whom you frequently share your direction, suggestions and solutions. Envision the shift that would take place if you could see them, not as an object or something to fix, but as a person who is resourceful that you need to better understand. How would the interactions be different? 

If a lack of curiosity can damage relationships, energizing curiosity can often help repair them. During the holidays, I decided to organize old photos and memorabilia from college and the following years. I found a sticky note with a quotation on it, which was unintentionally stuck to a picture of me with my college roommates. The neatly printed words on the sticky were beginning to fade with age. It said, “I do not like that man. I must get to know him better”- Abraham Lincoln. I smiled, vaguely remembering this quotation, and couldn’t help but think that Lincoln’s wisdom, along with my innate curiosity, somehow got buried throughout the years. It brought me back to my beloved Curious Mind Cafe, and made me realize that I was so different then, yet in another way much the same as I am today. It has been an interesting journey, recommitting to curiosity—a secret weapon that has helped me move away from judgment toward discovery. 

Vicky is an executive coach. As I wrote in “Vicky Biggs Pradhan: How Crises Make Us Rethink Our Lives,”

Vicky Pradhan, like me, is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach, and someone I think would be an especially good fit as a coach for readers of my blog. I had Vicky coach me for a session in order to get a good sense of her style. She is both extremely logical and very emotionally perceptive, and works hard to get to the bottom of things.

See more in my intro to “Vicky Biggs Pradhan: How Crises Make Us Rethink Our Lives.”

Here is some contact information:

Vicky Pradhan, vicky@v2executivecoaching.com

V2 Executive Coaching, www.v2executivecoaching.com

Vicky is the founder of V2 Executive Coaching. She is a certified Co-Active® Coach, CPCC, who coaches entrepreneurs, executives, founders, creators and musicians on their mission towards something bigger than themselves. Her clients are passionate and aspiring towards more fulfillment, stronger leadership, better communication and in some cases more self-acceptance. The one element they have in common is they’ve identified there is a gap between where they are currently and where they want to be. 

Don’t Miss These Other Posts Related to Positive Mental Health:

• Co-Active Coaching as a Tool for Maximizing Utility—Getting Where You Want in Life

• 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz (with Janet Mills) and `The Fifth Agreement' by Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz (with Janet Mills)

• Vicky Biggs Pradhan: How Crises Make Us Rethink Our Lives

• Bex's Rules for Life

• Believe in Yourself

• Breaking the Chains

• Leaving a Legacy

• My Objective Function

• The Unmaking

• John Locke on the Mandate of Heaven

• Tom Gauld's Sympathy Cards for Scientists